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Okie dokie folks this is the first edition (and maybe the only edition) of our slam bang covered 2012 U. S. presidential election election
...in the blue (no red) corner Mitt Romney, the challenger some folks call the... we don't know what kind of car he drives (got to be American made, right?)... so let's just call him the Wolverine who drove the family car vacationing from The Cape to his summer home in Ontario, Canada, that is, with his late Irish Setter in a waterless cage lashed to the roof of the car until Seamus the dog threw up, so he stopped at a Pilot or something, hosed down the car, put Seamus back in his cage on the roof of the family car (what's wrong with a summer home in Cleveland?)
...while in the other blue corner (seems like it should be blue; think war games) still standing president Barack Obama, the...wait our correspondent says the prez has a lot of school choices and may not decide until the two-minute warning. For now, we'll just call him the X president from....
See the blue bars (think 2001 A Space Odyssey, the movie....Was the movie made in 2001?.... Is there a video game?... What?... What else?... Do you think it was made in 1969 or something?...
Democrats are always blue and they have a lot of women behind them. Don't ask. (B A R A C K), i always wonder if i'm getting that right. i'll go with it. Don't ask.
And the challenger in the red corner...no, we already did that.
Republicans are always red and they have a lot of not gay rednecks behind them. Forget it (no, we're not looking it up, give us a call).
So, we're gonna cover the waterfront. The whole kit and caboodle will be in her, Cub Scout honor. So folks turn off all your electronics, except the one you're on now, reading.
And, here, this here, (we know cut the words down) is our 2012 Slam Bang Election coverage. All the scoops anyone can shovel.
Now, at the tale of this report you will encounter two trumped up staged crowd pleasing fund raising mug shoots of the two men. You can easily tell which one's Obama; he's black, well, sort of, but that's another story.
Look, all you need to know is to white people, we're talking about Americans here, citizens that is, but you don't have to be born here. You don't even have to vote, most people don't.
Anyway, we're not gettin' into that who was really born where stuff. Mitt was born in money and Barack was born in Hawaii.
Wait we have a news sat flash coming in on the sonar; ok we've got flash, almost, damn secure coded message; drop the codes; we're not going there, ok, here she is -
W H E R E.... W E R E...YOU...BORN?
Now for the real story. We know the election is 89 days away but we have already nailed the issue; we're so excited; there's a bunch of issues, but they all wrap up into one nicely, like a wade of hundred dollar bills. Enough said.
Now, for our arts but not a whole lot of culture on the spot correspondent Mike.
Mike, are you with us (Army jargon)?
Wait, are you there?
Wait, my report isn't titled. I tried to save it... Are you there?... I'll just slap something on here.
If you don't like it, change it...here she goes...
the who is john galt
by Mike Marcellino
Who is john galt?
Right, the who is john galt?
no, i mean,
who is john galt?
the who is john galt.
i don't have time for this nonsense,
give me the straight answer
your country, your world
the one you have right now
depends on it.
It's your future
the election's in November.
for the third and last time, dustbuster
this is my question -
Our campaign is in every gear.
We have enough hard cash
to build a road to the moon
made of gold (we have a lot of that too).
We have super packs.
We have more money than you can count.
We have more money than you can shake a stick at.
We have so much money piled as far as the eyes can see.
We're talking billions.
No sticks, no trees here
it's the Nebraska sand hills
nothin' but dust
this isn't New York City.
Don't you watch television?
get on line, you know?
TV broke down
got laid off.
where were you
when this thing got started.
You wanna buy us one?
do it before electric power
shuts us off.
mister, only lines we got around here 'er
and the unemployment line.
Hey, Mr. Businessman
what in blazes
you doin' here
in that black suit?
it's a hundred ten.
You wanna know
who john galt is?
The is john galt
don't like my answer?
You shovel it.
the who is john galt? by Mike Marcellino copyright 2012
Thanks Mike, we hope you will join us real soon again for more, 'er, coverage; not right away though.
Incognito editorial mumbo jumbo
Now, if there's anything the 2012 Slam Bang Election coverage aims to be is fair. Fair as the hot air gets in west Nebraska.
Let us say right away, make it perfectly clear, we're for liberty and freedom costs.
(that's another story)
So, what we did, we had a puesdo presidential victory flip, coin toss.
It was Romney for heads (no brainer, that's Washington the first president, most people do get that right, the rest are toss ups)
It was tails for Obama. Democrats are always donkeys.
There's no American coin with an elephant on the top (fact check), but the Republicans are always elephants.
The 2012 Slam Bang Election coverage big flip to see who wins out on who's photograph goes first (that's on the left, layout talk, don't bother with the fine print) was witnessed by an estimated crowd of exactly zero people
Mitt won the toss. Mitt won! Mitt won! It was best two out of three with a quarter from Oregon. God, our first glitch in the 2012 Slam Band Election coverage. Screw it.
All you need to know is the Republicans are always right handed and Democrats are always left. That puts Mitt on the left but he's really right, isn't he? On the other hand, Barack is right here, but he's really left, right?
Stayed tuned for our never quite up to date ongoing coverage.
All that we can manage to shovel.
Don't worry, we'll never be up to the minute. Read the small print.
If you disagree write us a letter.
If you can't write send us a card, stamped Miami Beach.
That's what it'll come down to.
Oh no, we gave the election away.
Sorry, this is not quite the right photo but we're working on it.
Come to think of it, to really be fair, the 2012 Slam Bang Election coverage has instantly and arbitrarily decided to even the playing field by NEVER RUNNING photographs of either of the candidates for president. Just pretend they have brown paper bags over their heads.
Over an out...
Rover, ah shoot, i mean...ah, Roger...
Post game report -
In the instance of trying to get people out of their beds and into the voting booths, here, take a look at their pictures.
You'll have to guess who's who. (Yes, we already got calls, another glitch in our coverage).
Look, aliens own our network.
We know what you are thinking.
Ní chuireann na meáin a fhios ceart ó chlé nó barr ó bun. Sin ceart go leor, is é Mike Scotch-na hÉireann.
|Thank God for undo|
|Q. How many steel workers does it take to change a light bulb? |
A. none, if you don't make steel